Sometimes Things Get Complicated

Before I post what I've written I just wanted To let my readers know that I've had a rough couple of days. Most of my blogs are extremely positive but this one is just raw emotion. The reason I'm posting it is because I want people to see that I hurt too and that it's ok to admit to it. Everyone hurts and bottling up that pain will only make you go insane. That being said, here it is...

I feel trapped, under attack, every minute every hour I feel a loss of power and I want to shower and drain all of this pain I hold inside all of these tendencies I hide and I try to disguise what's going on sometimes, but sometimes some time is too long to not feel strong, I've lost the will to go on. I feel my feet slip from under me and all I want to do is be set free, but I'm held captivity of my own mind of my own rhymes and it's about time I made a change, but change can just seem so strange and unfamiliar in known ways weeks turn into 100 days of guilt and blame and hurt and shame and everything in between that doesn't define the real me, but...

 I let it consume me and control me I let it take a hold of me and everything I am and am not I hate to watch myself rot, but that's what I'm doing I'm putting off pursuing, I don't excuse myself from my excuses I'm abusive and judgmental, but only of myself and I create this hell where I feel my heart burning away into everything I don't want it to be I just want the world to see me for me and I know it's my fault that they don't and I don't point the finger at anyone else but myself, but I still can't tell you why...

Why I do the things I do and don't or won't or think I can't. I want something different, something new, I want to get through this now, but now seems too soon and now is all we have so I cant hide from it forever, but sometimes I wonder if I could because anythings possible and that scares me. What If I continue on forever with this undying wound in my heart what if I can never learn to start communicating better what If I just let her and him and everyone continue to beat me down until I'm so lost I can't be found. I want to stay around for awhile, but I'm trying too hard and it seems so far until I fall into the nothingness of all that is, my one question is...

Will it ever go away? I keep saying not today I'll save it for tomorrow, but tomorrow is just letting me borrow some more time, it's letting borrow more of something that's not mine or anyone's for that matter and matter doesn't matter either, what matters is love. So I continue to look to the skies above, feel the light, feel the dove, feel its peace put my pieces together for the better and whatever I go through at least I'm going and whatever I go through at least I'm knowing at least I'm aware and I don't stare at all the others staring at each other, too afraid to look themselves in the eye, too ashamed to ask why, why they lie, why they don't let themselves cry from time to time, but what's mine is yours so take these words and the infinite amount of love I hold and I hope you let your life unfold into it. Have a beautiful day everyone, much love.