Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Sometimes Things Get Complicated

Before I post what I've written I just wanted To let my readers know that I've had a rough couple of days. Most of my blogs are extremely positive but this one is just raw emotion. The reason I'm posting it is because I want people to see that I hurt too and that it's ok to admit to it. Everyone hurts and bottling up that pain will only make you go insane. That being said, here it is...

I feel trapped, under attack, every minute every hour I feel a loss of power and I want to shower and drain all of this pain I hold inside all of these tendencies I hide and I try to disguise what's going on sometimes, but sometimes some time is too long to not feel strong, I've lost the will to go on. I feel my feet slip from under me and all I want to do is be set free, but I'm held captivity of my own mind of my own rhymes and it's about time I made a change, but change can just seem so strange and unfamiliar in known ways weeks turn into 100 days of guilt and blame and hurt and shame and everything in between that doesn't define the real me, but...

 I let it consume me and control me I let it take a hold of me and everything I am and am not I hate to watch myself rot, but that's what I'm doing I'm putting off pursuing, I don't excuse myself from my excuses I'm abusive and judgmental, but only of myself and I create this hell where I feel my heart burning away into everything I don't want it to be I just want the world to see me for me and I know it's my fault that they don't and I don't point the finger at anyone else but myself, but I still can't tell you why...

Why I do the things I do and don't or won't or think I can't. I want something different, something new, I want to get through this now, but now seems too soon and now is all we have so I cant hide from it forever, but sometimes I wonder if I could because anythings possible and that scares me. What If I continue on forever with this undying wound in my heart what if I can never learn to start communicating better what If I just let her and him and everyone continue to beat me down until I'm so lost I can't be found. I want to stay around for awhile, but I'm trying too hard and it seems so far until I fall into the nothingness of all that is, my one question is...

Will it ever go away? I keep saying not today I'll save it for tomorrow, but tomorrow is just letting me borrow some more time, it's letting borrow more of something that's not mine or anyone's for that matter and matter doesn't matter either, what matters is love. So I continue to look to the skies above, feel the light, feel the dove, feel its peace put my pieces together for the better and whatever I go through at least I'm going and whatever I go through at least I'm knowing at least I'm aware and I don't stare at all the others staring at each other, too afraid to look themselves in the eye, too ashamed to ask why, why they lie, why they don't let themselves cry from time to time, but what's mine is yours so take these words and the infinite amount of love I hold and I hope you let your life unfold into it. Have a beautiful day everyone, much love.

Monday, June 18, 2012

How is my Only How

So here I am, but where am I exactly? These thoughts don’t let me do much they almost help me to lose touch with the things I want to be intertwined with, no time does not exist and neither does my ego its time to let it go, the fear that consumes me, that traps me within myself, a self proclaimed hell, a spell to suffer enough to where I don’t trust anyone or anything, but that’s not me so what does it matter what anyone else thinks, what does it matter what matter is because its all just twisted and churned into something we learn rather than be, rather than feel and fly free, were all prisoners here of our own mind, were all prisoners here of time, were all prisoners here of what we make up, take up another dose for I cant take it anymore, I've about hit the floor.
She says hell is in the hallways until you open another door, but what if you’ve been walking for too long? What if it's too hard to feel strong, what if I want to collapse and melt into nothing else because the possible seems impossible and im hoping for a miracle to shield me from my “mistakes” and everything I take for granted, granted im still alive I still thrive, but I still lie and am scared to die, I don’t know why, I need to practice what I preach because I have so much to teach and so far to reach until I get there, but there is here, its all the same, im going insane searching for something I already know, but how the fuck do I let go, how do I break it down, how do I make a sound and make it heard, how do I escape from this herd roaming through life grazing on bullshit, drinking in standardized piss, shitting out the truth, and breathing in the myths.
 How do I know which road to take or not do I run or walk do I sit and talk or do I leave the flock to create my own, my home, my om, where vibrations havenever been sweeter, where my words are not a misdemeanor, where my thoughts don’t teeter, where my heart isn’t bruised from a beater; me, judgement free, forgiveness at its finest, minus the sinus pain of this ongoing game called life where you take a knife and stab it in your own chest and you blame the blood stains on the rest, don’t you see this is all just a test. Who will pass and who will fail?
 I received a letter in the mail from a little bird apparently she heard we've been conditioned to breath in sync with the heart beat of a machine, theres no such thing as a team we are all on our own we are all alone, these are letters that have been added and multiplied so that our souls would die and we wouldn’t even know, now they just put on a show because they know we'll all watch and do the message they’ve sent through, see we don’t know the difference anymore between happiness and pain to us it's all just the same because you live and then you die, but before you die you spend 80 years crying inside trying to hide who you really are, what if we could all could just be in harmony, love and peace, whats so hard about that, whats so wrong with a lack of self defense, why must we build fences around our world, why have we turned so cold.
 Its hard to understand, but it makes perfect sense, the reason why our chakras are so tense, not an ounce of love for some, not even a hug, or a melody so fine that it wouldn’t even matter how many dimes you had in your piggy bank, and to think I didn’t thank you for inspiring me to turn my dream world into a reality, and to think that jesus didn’t think, drink up some more beer, soothe your soul, release your fear, temporarily at least, it gives your mind some peace, trust me I know, but it gets old, and so youre told, go to school, be a square, drop out? Don’t you dare. A blank stare on every face, trying to retrace at which pace you let the hurt take over, take cover, theyre coming for you, its true, look at the x in the sky, look at the x’s in your eyes, youre so close to dead, eat another loaf of bread, eat your pain away, maybe you can postpone facing it for another day in another way.
So here I lay and ponder and wander in my own maze and im amazed at the universe and how each verse is sung perfectly, each note hits the capacity of my heart and my art, and yours too, who knew we had it in us, the passion to live in love not lust, see theres a difference between the two, a distance not many knew, through each heart and out the next, take a step towards want you want, and youll get what you need, take a step towards yourself and I'll take a step towards me.