Monday, September 2, 2013

the fear of rejection and the rejection of fear

So this is a pretty long one and I know it just looks like a huge, intimidating blob of words....but this one came from the deepest part of my heart ...enjoy

We spend our lives in a haze, running around trying to fit in some where, uncomfortable in our own skin, with the desire to be something or someone we’re not. We deny ourselves the right to be happy because we are who we are. We constantly seek approval, act ignorant and hurtful toward one another, and hide our beauty behind makeup and walls, sacrificing ourselves for acceptance, but do we even feel worthy after it all?
I’m writing this blog about my summer and what I've learned.

I’m scared, fuck yeah I’m scared. I don’t trust the universe still. My heart races a lot and I question things. I don’t like to be a lone in the dark and I wonder if I’ll ever be successful. I know I’m divine energy and light, but I don’t feel worthy. What does it even mean to feel worthy? To have everything stripped away from you; and still feel like you belong, like you are a part of something bigger, and that you don’t need an identity, opinions or “things” to define you. You are love and you feel it, you know it. You are who you are and that is PERFECT.

  How many of us actually feel like that? How many of us even think that it’s possible to feel like that? I still don't. I still doubt it… a lot…but I sure as hell wont settle for this anxious, high-paced, ignorant, repressive, greedy life style. This is not the way life is meant to be lived. This is NOT why we are here. So I've set on a quest to live my life the way that feels right, even if its scary to do so. Fortunately, I have shelter and food, I have amazing people and the love of my life who support me endlessly, I have my dreams and visions that keep me pushing forward…and I have my heart. I have everything I need in this moment of my journey and I plan on expanding this moment a little bit more everyday...but that doesn't always come so easily when you don't feel safe in your own arms.

When your anchors are gone…the people who hold it together for you, who help you to stay strong…when they're gone, what do you do? Do you feel good enough to rely on yourself and your inner mother, or do you runaway towards alcohol, or food, or drugs…maybe sex? Maybe nothing at all. Do you even know that your insides are falling apart ? Can you feel that they are, but don’t want to face it? Would you rather spend your life pretending to be someone that you're not, pretending to feel something that you don't, as if your happy? I see so much of that out there.. Granted, we are experiencing the most powerful shift that has ever taken place and more and more people are refusing to settle for mediocrity… but I still want to put this out into the universe. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE OUT THERE. There is! And inside…more than you could imagine. And it's all there for you. I've caught glimpses of  this "more." Some have been longer than others, but they happen none the less and its real, this infinite universe, its real.

My heart goes out to those who fear this universe…fear the unknown, fear their purpose, their life. You are not alone. I'm right there with you…but if we could just STOP doing....just stop, for a moment...and realize that we are sooooo beautiful. We are incredible. Every single person. Just the fact that you are alive, breathing your existence into this earth, sculpting what we call life, is a miracle. I mean our lives are NOT an accident, come on. Seriously? Over 7 billion people are alive and each one of us is functioning in our own way, with our own thoughts, and our own soul. How? How is this real? Look up at the stars and tell me that that’s not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. Feel your heart beat and just acknowledge the fact that it's beating on its own. And your body...your body is taking care of you. It loves you...and it wants to be loved in return. It's time we start loving ourselves.

If we took a few more minutes out of our day to stop and observe the miracle that is life, if we said thank you just a few more times, if we let ourselves be… wow, that would be so freeing. It would be like a big weight has been lifted off of our hearts because life wouldn't be such a burden in that moment.

Worry gets in the way of appreciating the moment. I catch myself worrying about the future a lot and what might happen, and I think about the past and who I was, even though I’m not that person anymore. What good does that do me? What good does that do you because I know you do it too. The past has already happened and there is nothing you can do about it ...and the future will happen the way its meant to happen and there is nothing you can do about it…or is there?

 We worry because we are guilty. Guilty of not living our life to its highest potential. We worry because we know the universe isn't going to support us when we are half assing everything, we worry because we are running out of time to impress everyone, we worry…because we know we are not doing whats good for us, whats good for our soul. And while we may continue to think that we worry because that’s what you're supposed to do, deep deep down, we know that's not the truth. Everyone does. So its time to make a change and feed your hungry hungry spirit...and if you think you're already feeding it…feed it some more. More love, affirmations and gratitude. Tell yourself your good enough because you are. Tell yourself you're good enough because you don't want to find yourself somewhere down the road wondering where your life and your dreams went.

This summer I fearfully followed my dreams and  my heart and I set on a journey to find my tribe. To find those who have the same vision as me and are ready to take disciplined steps towards self healing so that they can actualize their hearts desires. To find those who genuinely accept me for who I am, as I am. And well I found them, and I also found a lot of myself that I honestly did not want to find. Here I am with these beautiful people who are looking into my soul unlike ever before…and I AM TERRIFIED. Whyyyyy am I terrified? And that’s when it hit me. I really do not love myself as much as I thought, or even as much as I was pretending...I cant quite seem to get me to be myself…as a matter of fact I don’t even know who I am.. All of my experiences, all of my relationships have sculpted this personality that I desperately cling to, but for what? What am I really holding onto? Anything of value? Is my ego really worth it? Or should I just let it go.

 And that’s when everything fell apart…and I got really scared. How do I even let go? Is that even possible? I've been holding on so tight for so long. How do I define myself now? But that defeated the whole purpose… I don’t need to define myself! And neither do you... for anyone or anything.

 Shit just kept falling apart because my reality was being shattered…over and over again. By me, by these new energies, these new people, this new music, this new vibration. I wasn't quite attuned to it yet. Where did it all come from and why isn't the entire world like this? These are happy, spirited people. I caught myself thinking "I want to be like them," and my insecurities took an even deeper turn. I was back at where I started with a longing to be outside of myself, feeling unworthy. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you find yourself continuing to cling to that belief, the belief that you're unworthy; its safe and its what you know. And the longer you cling to that safety zone, the more scared you become of the world because all you know is your limited experiences. The ones that traumatize you and keep you trapped in your own box, while your soul continues to crave more. More exploration and risk... its longing for it. It wants adventure and freedom. It wants to fly…and well how can it do that if its holding onto to something?

 I encourage you to allow yourself to float where you're meant to be and let your spirit catch a wave out to sea, not on the shore, because you deserve so much more. Take a dive, go on a ride, let yourself feel alive. It doesn't matter what anyone says, don’t let things go to your head, be in your heart, when you live there, it cant fall apart. Its all connected and we've all been misdirected, so now its time to dig deep and break free from the herd of sheep. Be someone different, make something new, and please stay true to you. Find your passion, express your art, give yourself space for fresh starts. its not about being smart, its about being wise, and using those eyes to feel others soul, don’t judge them by what you don’t know.

  We create dissonance by clinging to the old, we create pain by fitting into the mold, and though we don’t know it, we are all one, and although we don’t know it, we all hold a sun, that sits in the center, a sun we can enter at anytime. This sun, it can glow if we let it, and when we feel like we have nothing, don’t forget it, because this is the true essence of you, this is the part that you never knew. when everything is said and done and there is no more “anything anymore” your sun will still be shining at the core of the universe, and you will have many rhythms left, your breath will be gone but now you can feel your infinite nature, you can feel your worth being something more than paper. You wont question it, it will feel so right and your whole existence will be a moment of flight, so when you get all worked up about this physical life, and your heart hurts, and you've forgotten your light…no worries, no hurries, your existence is eternal and in one time or another you will never yearn for another thing, everything will sing, wrong wont be a song, and you wont even know your “gone” because you will always be here and life wont be something to fear. Words will cease to exist and the harmony of the heavens will drift through your love, in between the below and the above, and the feeling of being is more than enough.

Why cant we bring this world to the now? What are we waiting for, we already know how? Love and let everything else fall. Love and let down the walls. Lets create a judgment free zone so that anywhere we go can be our home. Lets open our arms up, lets trust each other again, but first we must start in our own skin, so lets love every cell and transform our self proclaimed hell. Enter into the flow and you will grow taller than your highest dreams, together we can rip this reality by the seams, the guts of the truth pouring out, now we know what this is all about…

Evolution and change, its an endless range of paths and souls who are trying to grow in whatever way they know how, even if their going backwards, times getting faster, and pain is slowing down, happiness will soon take the crown and reign over all, things are going to take a fall, and from ruins we will build the world in which want to live, love and give… unconditionally, and receive endlessly because it feels so damn good. We can relax, things are perfectly in tact and I know exactly who I am, I don’t have to question it, I don’t need any fans, I have myself, I know my worth I know my wealth, I know I'm capable of the impossible and it seems probable that my imagination will become a reality and my existence wont be a duality and I can share that with you, and soon a few will turn into a lot, before you know it well have a full parking lot, or 4 or ten, and soon well want to start all over again, the people, the world, all of the parking lots will be full! Or maybe we join together in the trees, it would be more fun with the bees, wed be on the ground, with our hands on the earth, and well give her respect and put her first. Well nourish her children, and watch them grow, and let them teach us what we don’t know. Story telling will be filled with magic, and love wont be so tragic. Things are simple, well have basic needs, and the freedom to choose as we please. everyone's the same in the highest good and in the name of spirit. We listen and we can hear it, the whisper of the wind, the darkest sides of sin…but…we integrate, transmuting that hate into positive energy, were working in synergy, forgiveness is key, gratitude is to be….noooooow can you see where I'm going and do you want to come along because I don’t want to be wrong, and oh there's my ego talking, and I'm going to keep stalking it until it the meantime, this is what I got, this is me.