Saturday, November 23, 2013

Resistance to Existence

Resistance to existence and all that i "need," i cant quite get myself to see the meaning of all this, and maybe its not there for me to see yet, but im driving myself crazy, trying to figure out this hazy life, nothing feels right, maybe its because i dont let it, i just want to forget these past 40 days where ive eagerly given my power away. the more sense i try to make of all this the less sense i have, i havent felt glad to breathe in awhile and thats not really my style... confused i sit, fit after fit, maybe im depressed because i feel less and less grateful for what i have and if i think this is bad i should think about those without a roof over their head or a warm bed where they can read their favorite book, at least i have a kitchen where i can cook and a bear to hug, art supplies to create and a cat to love...with all these things on my mind youd think id find a way to surrender to the flow, letting go of all my expectations...

but i cant because i feel like theyre all i have and if i let them go ill have nothing left to grab... and maybe ill fall deeper than i already have, which makes no sense because nothing could be as bad as this past month and the front ive put up with myself. i keep thinking and writing and thinking and fighting this never ending battle in my heart and just when i think the fallen pieces are going to fall apart...

a little girl walks in with a shirt that says LOVE... and i get angry and pissed because i know that this is what my "stupid situation" is made of.

so i sit and ponder and try to wander back into "it." the feeling that fits and isnt so out of place, a feeling that doesnt take anything at face value, but values everything, thats the feeling i want to bring back into my life. maybe it starts tonight with these words, maybe all i want is to be heard and make it known that we all have dark phases where we feel SO alone, but its what we find in the corners of our mind when we have no one to hold our hand, that shows us the illusion of our confusion and of human kind.

Faith, do you know it? Compassion, do you show it? or are these just words that float around, that cant seem to bring you up from your down. reality, we make it, every breath, we can fake it if we want to...or we can try and remember in this gloomy november, everything weve been through thats brought us to this truly beautiful point.

  Another sip of w(h)ine to kill the time...the candle flickers and i keep on writing these rhymes to try and figure it all out and i wont stop until every ounce of doubt has drained from my veins and i have claimed whats rightfully right to shine in my own unique expression of myself and with the help of my sisters and brothers who want to heal and feel this thing call love...together we shall rise above and learn to grow, our roots planted in the know. although we go through times of resistance, although we sometimes wish for a different existence, we hang on, these tears that fall, they keep us strong...they nourish our bodies with the physical manifestation of emotion and remind us that if we remain open to all that is...only that which is in our highest good shall bring us gifts and come to reunite us as one. all that weve known to hurt us will be done.

so if youre in the same position as i am and the days have felt longer and your fears have grown stronger...try to stop fighting it. i tried, it doesnt work, and here i am writing about it. you and me both know that in order to grow we have to let go. so let your battle wounds heal and KNOW that you are the real deal. you have courage and purpose, no matter what youve been through or done, you are STILL worth it, so keep crawling or walking or running or flying, whatever works for you, as long as youre trying, you WILL get to your goal...but remember the journey is what makes you whole. Now that ive told you my story i hope youll drop some of your worry and live in peace, trusting the universe, and believing in your dreams. they ARE yours and theres no reason why you cant have them, dont ever let them fall, no matter how far, reach out and grab them...and love yourself on the way, remind yourself every day that you are more precious than you could ever step back and watch the magic happen.