Saturday, November 23, 2013

Resistance to Existence

Resistance to existence and all that i "need," i cant quite get myself to see the meaning of all this, and maybe its not there for me to see yet, but im driving myself crazy, trying to figure out this hazy life, nothing feels right, maybe its because i dont let it, i just want to forget these past 40 days where ive eagerly given my power away. the more sense i try to make of all this the less sense i have, i havent felt glad to breathe in awhile and thats not really my style... confused i sit, fit after fit, maybe im depressed because i feel less and less grateful for what i have and if i think this is bad i should think about those without a roof over their head or a warm bed where they can read their favorite book, at least i have a kitchen where i can cook and a bear to hug, art supplies to create and a cat to love...with all these things on my mind youd think id find a way to surrender to the flow, letting go of all my expectations...

but i cant because i feel like theyre all i have and if i let them go ill have nothing left to grab... and maybe ill fall deeper than i already have, which makes no sense because nothing could be as bad as this past month and the front ive put up with myself. i keep thinking and writing and thinking and fighting this never ending battle in my heart and just when i think the fallen pieces are going to fall apart...

a little girl walks in with a shirt that says LOVE... and i get angry and pissed because i know that this is what my "stupid situation" is made of.

so i sit and ponder and try to wander back into "it." the feeling that fits and isnt so out of place, a feeling that doesnt take anything at face value, but values everything, thats the feeling i want to bring back into my life. maybe it starts tonight with these words, maybe all i want is to be heard and make it known that we all have dark phases where we feel SO alone, but its what we find in the corners of our mind when we have no one to hold our hand, that shows us the illusion of our confusion and of human kind.

Faith, do you know it? Compassion, do you show it? or are these just words that float around, that cant seem to bring you up from your down. reality, we make it, every breath, we can fake it if we want to...or we can try and remember in this gloomy november, everything weve been through thats brought us to this truly beautiful point.

  Another sip of w(h)ine to kill the time...the candle flickers and i keep on writing these rhymes to try and figure it all out and i wont stop until every ounce of doubt has drained from my veins and i have claimed whats rightfully right to shine in my own unique expression of myself and with the help of my sisters and brothers who want to heal and feel this thing call love...together we shall rise above and learn to grow, our roots planted in the know. although we go through times of resistance, although we sometimes wish for a different existence, we hang on, these tears that fall, they keep us strong...they nourish our bodies with the physical manifestation of emotion and remind us that if we remain open to all that is...only that which is in our highest good shall bring us gifts and come to reunite us as one. all that weve known to hurt us will be done.

so if youre in the same position as i am and the days have felt longer and your fears have grown stronger...try to stop fighting it. i tried, it doesnt work, and here i am writing about it. you and me both know that in order to grow we have to let go. so let your battle wounds heal and KNOW that you are the real deal. you have courage and purpose, no matter what youve been through or done, you are STILL worth it, so keep crawling or walking or running or flying, whatever works for you, as long as youre trying, you WILL get to your goal...but remember the journey is what makes you whole. Now that ive told you my story i hope youll drop some of your worry and live in peace, trusting the universe, and believing in your dreams. they ARE yours and theres no reason why you cant have them, dont ever let them fall, no matter how far, reach out and grab them...and love yourself on the way, remind yourself every day that you are more precious than you could ever step back and watch the magic happen.

Monday, September 2, 2013

the fear of rejection and the rejection of fear

So this is a pretty long one and I know it just looks like a huge, intimidating blob of words....but this one came from the deepest part of my heart ...enjoy

We spend our lives in a haze, running around trying to fit in some where, uncomfortable in our own skin, with the desire to be something or someone we’re not. We deny ourselves the right to be happy because we are who we are. We constantly seek approval, act ignorant and hurtful toward one another, and hide our beauty behind makeup and walls, sacrificing ourselves for acceptance, but do we even feel worthy after it all?
I’m writing this blog about my summer and what I've learned.

I’m scared, fuck yeah I’m scared. I don’t trust the universe still. My heart races a lot and I question things. I don’t like to be a lone in the dark and I wonder if I’ll ever be successful. I know I’m divine energy and light, but I don’t feel worthy. What does it even mean to feel worthy? To have everything stripped away from you; and still feel like you belong, like you are a part of something bigger, and that you don’t need an identity, opinions or “things” to define you. You are love and you feel it, you know it. You are who you are and that is PERFECT.

  How many of us actually feel like that? How many of us even think that it’s possible to feel like that? I still don't. I still doubt it… a lot…but I sure as hell wont settle for this anxious, high-paced, ignorant, repressive, greedy life style. This is not the way life is meant to be lived. This is NOT why we are here. So I've set on a quest to live my life the way that feels right, even if its scary to do so. Fortunately, I have shelter and food, I have amazing people and the love of my life who support me endlessly, I have my dreams and visions that keep me pushing forward…and I have my heart. I have everything I need in this moment of my journey and I plan on expanding this moment a little bit more everyday...but that doesn't always come so easily when you don't feel safe in your own arms.

When your anchors are gone…the people who hold it together for you, who help you to stay strong…when they're gone, what do you do? Do you feel good enough to rely on yourself and your inner mother, or do you runaway towards alcohol, or food, or drugs…maybe sex? Maybe nothing at all. Do you even know that your insides are falling apart ? Can you feel that they are, but don’t want to face it? Would you rather spend your life pretending to be someone that you're not, pretending to feel something that you don't, as if your happy? I see so much of that out there.. Granted, we are experiencing the most powerful shift that has ever taken place and more and more people are refusing to settle for mediocrity… but I still want to put this out into the universe. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE OUT THERE. There is! And inside…more than you could imagine. And it's all there for you. I've caught glimpses of  this "more." Some have been longer than others, but they happen none the less and its real, this infinite universe, its real.

My heart goes out to those who fear this universe…fear the unknown, fear their purpose, their life. You are not alone. I'm right there with you…but if we could just STOP doing....just stop, for a moment...and realize that we are sooooo beautiful. We are incredible. Every single person. Just the fact that you are alive, breathing your existence into this earth, sculpting what we call life, is a miracle. I mean our lives are NOT an accident, come on. Seriously? Over 7 billion people are alive and each one of us is functioning in our own way, with our own thoughts, and our own soul. How? How is this real? Look up at the stars and tell me that that’s not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. Feel your heart beat and just acknowledge the fact that it's beating on its own. And your body...your body is taking care of you. It loves you...and it wants to be loved in return. It's time we start loving ourselves.

If we took a few more minutes out of our day to stop and observe the miracle that is life, if we said thank you just a few more times, if we let ourselves be… wow, that would be so freeing. It would be like a big weight has been lifted off of our hearts because life wouldn't be such a burden in that moment.

Worry gets in the way of appreciating the moment. I catch myself worrying about the future a lot and what might happen, and I think about the past and who I was, even though I’m not that person anymore. What good does that do me? What good does that do you because I know you do it too. The past has already happened and there is nothing you can do about it ...and the future will happen the way its meant to happen and there is nothing you can do about it…or is there?

 We worry because we are guilty. Guilty of not living our life to its highest potential. We worry because we know the universe isn't going to support us when we are half assing everything, we worry because we are running out of time to impress everyone, we worry…because we know we are not doing whats good for us, whats good for our soul. And while we may continue to think that we worry because that’s what you're supposed to do, deep deep down, we know that's not the truth. Everyone does. So its time to make a change and feed your hungry hungry spirit...and if you think you're already feeding it…feed it some more. More love, affirmations and gratitude. Tell yourself your good enough because you are. Tell yourself you're good enough because you don't want to find yourself somewhere down the road wondering where your life and your dreams went.

This summer I fearfully followed my dreams and  my heart and I set on a journey to find my tribe. To find those who have the same vision as me and are ready to take disciplined steps towards self healing so that they can actualize their hearts desires. To find those who genuinely accept me for who I am, as I am. And well I found them, and I also found a lot of myself that I honestly did not want to find. Here I am with these beautiful people who are looking into my soul unlike ever before…and I AM TERRIFIED. Whyyyyy am I terrified? And that’s when it hit me. I really do not love myself as much as I thought, or even as much as I was pretending...I cant quite seem to get me to be myself…as a matter of fact I don’t even know who I am.. All of my experiences, all of my relationships have sculpted this personality that I desperately cling to, but for what? What am I really holding onto? Anything of value? Is my ego really worth it? Or should I just let it go.

 And that’s when everything fell apart…and I got really scared. How do I even let go? Is that even possible? I've been holding on so tight for so long. How do I define myself now? But that defeated the whole purpose… I don’t need to define myself! And neither do you... for anyone or anything.

 Shit just kept falling apart because my reality was being shattered…over and over again. By me, by these new energies, these new people, this new music, this new vibration. I wasn't quite attuned to it yet. Where did it all come from and why isn't the entire world like this? These are happy, spirited people. I caught myself thinking "I want to be like them," and my insecurities took an even deeper turn. I was back at where I started with a longing to be outside of myself, feeling unworthy. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you find yourself continuing to cling to that belief, the belief that you're unworthy; its safe and its what you know. And the longer you cling to that safety zone, the more scared you become of the world because all you know is your limited experiences. The ones that traumatize you and keep you trapped in your own box, while your soul continues to crave more. More exploration and risk... its longing for it. It wants adventure and freedom. It wants to fly…and well how can it do that if its holding onto to something?

 I encourage you to allow yourself to float where you're meant to be and let your spirit catch a wave out to sea, not on the shore, because you deserve so much more. Take a dive, go on a ride, let yourself feel alive. It doesn't matter what anyone says, don’t let things go to your head, be in your heart, when you live there, it cant fall apart. Its all connected and we've all been misdirected, so now its time to dig deep and break free from the herd of sheep. Be someone different, make something new, and please stay true to you. Find your passion, express your art, give yourself space for fresh starts. its not about being smart, its about being wise, and using those eyes to feel others soul, don’t judge them by what you don’t know.

  We create dissonance by clinging to the old, we create pain by fitting into the mold, and though we don’t know it, we are all one, and although we don’t know it, we all hold a sun, that sits in the center, a sun we can enter at anytime. This sun, it can glow if we let it, and when we feel like we have nothing, don’t forget it, because this is the true essence of you, this is the part that you never knew. when everything is said and done and there is no more “anything anymore” your sun will still be shining at the core of the universe, and you will have many rhythms left, your breath will be gone but now you can feel your infinite nature, you can feel your worth being something more than paper. You wont question it, it will feel so right and your whole existence will be a moment of flight, so when you get all worked up about this physical life, and your heart hurts, and you've forgotten your light…no worries, no hurries, your existence is eternal and in one time or another you will never yearn for another thing, everything will sing, wrong wont be a song, and you wont even know your “gone” because you will always be here and life wont be something to fear. Words will cease to exist and the harmony of the heavens will drift through your love, in between the below and the above, and the feeling of being is more than enough.

Why cant we bring this world to the now? What are we waiting for, we already know how? Love and let everything else fall. Love and let down the walls. Lets create a judgment free zone so that anywhere we go can be our home. Lets open our arms up, lets trust each other again, but first we must start in our own skin, so lets love every cell and transform our self proclaimed hell. Enter into the flow and you will grow taller than your highest dreams, together we can rip this reality by the seams, the guts of the truth pouring out, now we know what this is all about…

Evolution and change, its an endless range of paths and souls who are trying to grow in whatever way they know how, even if their going backwards, times getting faster, and pain is slowing down, happiness will soon take the crown and reign over all, things are going to take a fall, and from ruins we will build the world in which want to live, love and give… unconditionally, and receive endlessly because it feels so damn good. We can relax, things are perfectly in tact and I know exactly who I am, I don’t have to question it, I don’t need any fans, I have myself, I know my worth I know my wealth, I know I'm capable of the impossible and it seems probable that my imagination will become a reality and my existence wont be a duality and I can share that with you, and soon a few will turn into a lot, before you know it well have a full parking lot, or 4 or ten, and soon well want to start all over again, the people, the world, all of the parking lots will be full! Or maybe we join together in the trees, it would be more fun with the bees, wed be on the ground, with our hands on the earth, and well give her respect and put her first. Well nourish her children, and watch them grow, and let them teach us what we don’t know. Story telling will be filled with magic, and love wont be so tragic. Things are simple, well have basic needs, and the freedom to choose as we please. everyone's the same in the highest good and in the name of spirit. We listen and we can hear it, the whisper of the wind, the darkest sides of sin…but…we integrate, transmuting that hate into positive energy, were working in synergy, forgiveness is key, gratitude is to be….noooooow can you see where I'm going and do you want to come along because I don’t want to be wrong, and oh there's my ego talking, and I'm going to keep stalking it until it the meantime, this is what I got, this is me.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

this is just what i needed

i want stars to light up my dark
i want to see who we are cause i still don't seem to know 
i want scars to peel this happiness so that i can let myself grow
like a snake shedding its old skin I'm still trying to see where i fit in
my pain echoes in the chambers of my soul 
and just when i feel like i know…

i forget to breathe
i  forget to believe

i somehow manage to get by
some days i don't want to try
sometimes i just want to cry
and most days i ask why

i am here


you are  near


did this tear stream down my cheek
why do i feel so weak
why do i hurt so bad
why have i been getting mad
whats really going on
am i right or wrong
 am i left with nothing?
 or will i have something to call mine
am i running out of time or just from myself?

blah….. I've lost myself
and myselfs lost me
i don't know where i should be
my mind is going crazy
my heart is beating so fast
i don't know how much longer i can last

I'm tired of hurt and I'm tired of pain 
I'm tired of this stupid game
i don't want to win anymore
i don't want to begin anymore
i just want it all to end
i just want to mend my broken heart
i just want to heal through my art
i just want to to sing my own song
thats all I've wanted for so long

im scared of the future because i don't know what it brings
but thats why i do these things
it takes me out of my comfort zone
it makes me hone into my inner peace
attaining it wherever i please
now can i please just do what i want
be where i want?
hear what i want?
dance and prance how i want?
can i look say eat feel be what i want?

im tired of trying
im tired of lying
to myself and everyone around me
I'm tired of being bullied by my own emotions
dark oceans are crashing down on me
could it be that I'm drowning in my own misery?
could i be that i don't know me as well as i thought i did?
could it be that i need to forgive...
and remember what I'm giving for
theres more in me than i think there is
and i need to stop questioning what that is

you'd think it would be so easy
you'd think my flaws wouldn't freeze me...

but they do
and I'm trying to be ok with that.
I'm trying to not look back
i want to move forward, i want to grow 
but all i hear is everyone's no's

so what is it that you want to stop me from? 
what is it that you want me to become?
a little more like you and a lot less like me?
the thing you don't know is I've set myself free
from the limits of my mind
from the constraints of time
from the hate and greed that used to suffocate me

floater and wanderer i may be
but i have the whole world to see
why see it later when now is already here?
and why let yourself be consumed by fear?
why not explore your own inner workings?
why not figure out what isn't working…
and let it go
and let yourself flow with the rhythm of life
damn it feels so nice when i don't resist
feels so nice when I don't have to bend and twist to the demands of others, 
only my own
then i can finally feel at home

safe in my own skin
not afraid to let anyone in
no walls, no ego
it is then that we know
how to

Monday, April 15, 2013

life keeps movin stay strong

It saddens me to see all of those who are lost out at sea,
Swimming in an illusion of anger, hate, and greed as our souls cry out to be set free.
Why is it that we hide our pain?
Why is it that we insist were not all the same?
My heart is hurting and I want to remind everyone that they are worthy of love.
I feel lost too, but it’s just a test to see what we’re made of.
If you can find it in you, then I can find it in me to believe in the destiny of our heart, the destiny of our art.

The expression of what we hide so deep inside.
Please, just let yourself cry.

There is no you or me,
There is only one,
And our being is brought into existence through the reflection of the sun.

Take a moment and close your eyes.

                                                            Breathe in deeply
                                                            Remember why…

To release yourself of all your fears.

Once we let ourselves go it is then that we truly know


And well…

                                                                                       Your guts came from the stars.

So relax and breathe in one more time.


And melt.
And remind yourself….

That you are worthy of everything you dream of.
 So follow your heart and it will

                                                G                                       L
                                                    U             Y            T         O
                                                          I           O             O          V
                                                            D          U                            E

In everything you do, in everything you pursue.

As long as you stay true to yourself
There will be nothing else




Monday, January 28, 2013

Wandering Through My Wonder

I ponder if people wonder about the same things I wonder about.
I wonder if they secretly wander into the deepest parts of their doubt.
Do you wish to be a tree?
Do you wish to live under the sea?
Do you imagine the wind blowing through your branches, pulling your leaves apart?
Do you imagine being rooted in yourself and uncovering the layers of your heart?
I wonder if others wish to release all of their judgements like me.
I wonder if they want so badly to tear their walls down and set themselves free.
Where do thoughts go if you never face them?
And what happens to them if you embrace them?

Monday, January 14, 2013

Awaken Your Soul

We are consciousness expressing itself through a physical manifestation of love and an infinite dance of beauty. We are limiting ourselves by putting our worth in paper (money, diplomas, etc.) and by measuring our capabilities with time. We are not prescription drugs, or confined schooling or implants; we are not labor and unhappiness and suffering; the problem is we've come to believe that we are these "things" and that we need all of these "things" to shape ourselves and our future, but we don't. They only prolong our misery, helping us to become comfortably numb with what we call "life." Our biggest problem is that we excuse ourselves by accepting that "this is just life, it's just the human condition." No!That's not life! That's how we've made life, and that's how we've made ourselves.

Not many of us have the guts to face ourselves anymore. To face the deepest, darkest shadows of our soul, for fear of what we may see, the judgments we may make against ourselves, the guilt we may feel; so sadly, we live out a life of strange, never ending despair and confusion. It's "easier" that way, right? Finding yourself is frowned upon, a waste of time. Self-reflection and introspection are considered vacation now, and we're automatically labeled as an outkast if we DARE to be different, SO...most of us on this earth don't step out of our comfort zones for the ultimate fear of what others might say. Well, who cares what others say?!?!

The only person who is going to regret your life is YOU. So while everyones busy externalizing their regrets on you because they can't take responsibility for their own life and the creation of their reality, I BEG you to go FIND YOURSELF. Find what you love, what lights the fire in your heart so much that the passion takes over your entire being. So much so that the bullshit your brain wants to feed to your heart doesn't matter, because you finally know what it feels like to truly be alive. FIND OUT so that you don't have to look back at your life one day and wonder what you could have done different.

We need people to change this world right now. We - this earth and every single human inhabiting it - need you to stand up for what you believe in. FIGHT. Fight for your right to express yourself. Fight for your right to be genuinely happy and healthy. Fight for your right to LOVE yourself and everyone around you. Fight for your righ to know the truth. If we don't fight, we fail, and that's NOT an option, so go on an adventure and let yourself go. Awaken your soul.

It's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, and you're going to cry and kick and scream, but your also going to laugh harder than you've ever laughed before, you'll meet the most beautiful people and see the most beautiful things. You'll experience a side of yourself that you didn't think existed, a side of love and compassion and warmth. You'll understand the feeling of staring into someone's eyes, only to see your own divine self reflected back to you. You'll feel beautiful. You are going to FEEEL. Not pain; joy, not envy; honor. And you know what? At the end of the day, your words can't hurt more than their lies, so speak your truth, no matter what anyone says to you, SPEAK YOUR TRUTH, because if it feels right, than it is right. Yea the truth hurts, but only temporarily, until it blooms into something much sweeter. Lies on the other hand, will haunt you forever. So please, let's put aside our pride and bring the child within us back to life. Be the change you want to see in the world so that we may live in harmony, happiness, and peace once again.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


I don't like to think I'm pretending, but
I guess that's what
It Is.

I don't like to think I'm writing this for anyone, but
I guess
I am.

I don't like to admit I'm scared, but
I know
I am.

I don't want to live in the future, but
I'm not always in
the present.

I know this earth is beautiful, but sometimes I wish I could just be
in heaven.

Will I become everything I know I can be?
Will I fulfill the dreams that I always see?

Somewhere in my heart space, will I tap into the essence of me?
I don't like to think of what couldn't be,
but how could I not?

I love remembering, but sometimes I wish I never forgot.

Writing is my life, but I usually dread the next line.
Words are everything to me,
but sometimes I wishh I didn't rhyme.

When I think about the Universe and where it is that I fit in,
I feel my heart explode with bliss,
I feel everything I have to give.

There's a difference between existing and living in your truth,
So close your eyes and take a step into your joyful youth.

Remember how it felt to run through the grass with your arms open wide?
Remember what it felt like to know the limit was the sky?
If we can find a way to take this state of mind,
then maybe we can unite ourselves and let our minds

We all have a flame inside, a soul that's meant to fly free,
So listen to your heart when it tells you to just

Be who you are,
with no restraints,
Look right into your self.
It is there you will learn.
Anything and everything you've ever wanted to know.
Plant your love into others hearts and watch as their flowers, grow,
light your candle, then start a spark,
Watch how the world will glow.