Sometimes Things Get Complicated

Before I post what I've written I just wanted To let my readers know that I've had a rough couple of days. Most of my blogs are extremely positive but this one is just raw emotion. The reason I'm posting it is because I want people to see that I hurt too and that it's ok to admit to it. Everyone hurts and bottling up that pain will only make you go insane. That being said, here it is...

I feel trapped, under attack, every minute every hour I feel a loss of power and I want to shower and drain all of this pain I hold inside all of these tendencies I hide and I try to disguise what's going on sometimes, but sometimes some time is too long to not feel strong, I've lost the will to go on. I feel my feet slip from under me and all I want to do is be set free, but I'm held captivity of my own mind of my own rhymes and it's about time I made a change, but change can just seem so strange and unfamiliar in known ways weeks turn into 100 days of guilt and blame and hurt and shame and everything in between that doesn't define the real me, but...

 I let it consume me and control me I let it take a hold of me and everything I am and am not I hate to watch myself rot, but that's what I'm doing I'm putting off pursuing, I don't excuse myself from my excuses I'm abusive and judgmental, but only of myself and I create this hell where I feel my heart burning away into everything I don't want it to be I just want the world to see me for me and I know it's my fault that they don't and I don't point the finger at anyone else but myself, but I still can't tell you why...

Why I do the things I do and don't or won't or think I can't. I want something different, something new, I want to get through this now, but now seems too soon and now is all we have so I cant hide from it forever, but sometimes I wonder if I could because anythings possible and that scares me. What If I continue on forever with this undying wound in my heart what if I can never learn to start communicating better what If I just let her and him and everyone continue to beat me down until I'm so lost I can't be found. I want to stay around for awhile, but I'm trying too hard and it seems so far until I fall into the nothingness of all that is, my one question is...

Will it ever go away? I keep saying not today I'll save it for tomorrow, but tomorrow is just letting me borrow some more time, it's letting borrow more of something that's not mine or anyone's for that matter and matter doesn't matter either, what matters is love. So I continue to look to the skies above, feel the light, feel the dove, feel its peace put my pieces together for the better and whatever I go through at least I'm going and whatever I go through at least I'm knowing at least I'm aware and I don't stare at all the others staring at each other, too afraid to look themselves in the eye, too ashamed to ask why, why they lie, why they don't let themselves cry from time to time, but what's mine is yours so take these words and the infinite amount of love I hold and I hope you let your life unfold into it. Have a beautiful day everyone, much love.

How is my Only How

So here I am, but where am I exactly? These thoughts don’t let me do much they almost help me to lose touch with the things I want to be intertwined with, no time does not exist and neither does my ego its time to let it go, the fear that consumes me, that traps me within myself, a self proclaimed hell, a spell to suffer enough to where I don’t trust anyone or anything, but that’s not me so what does it matter what anyone else thinks, what does it matter what matter is because its all just twisted and churned into something we learn rather than be, rather than feel and fly free, were all prisoners here of our own mind, were all prisoners here of time, were all prisoners here of what we make up, take up another dose for I cant take it anymore, I've about hit the floor.

She says hell is in the hallways until you open another door, but what if you’ve been walking for too long? What if it's too hard to feel strong, what if I want to collapse and melt into nothing else because the possible seems impossible and im hoping for a miracle to shield me from my “mistakes” and everything I take for granted, granted im still alive I still thrive, but I still lie and am scared to die, I don’t know why, I need to practice what I preach because I have so much to teach and so far to reach until I get there, but there is here, its all the same, im going insane searching for something I already know, but how the fuck do I let go, how do I break it down, how do I make a sound and make it heard, how do I escape from this herd roaming through life grazing on bullshit, drinking in standardized piss, shitting out the truth, and breathing in the myths.

 How do I know which road to take or not do I run or walk do I sit and talk or do I leave the flock to create my own, my home, my om, where vibrations havenever been sweeter, where my words are not a misdemeanor, where my thoughts don’t teeter, where my heart isn’t bruised from a beater; me, judgement free, forgiveness at its finest, minus the sinus pain of this ongoing game called life where you take a knife and stab it in your own chest and you blame the blood stains on the rest, don’t you see this is all just a test. Who will pass and who will fail?

 I received a letter in the mail from a little bird apparently she heard we've been conditioned to breath in sync with the heart beat of a machine, theres no such thing as a team we are all on our own we are all alone, these are letters that have been added and multiplied so that our souls would die and we wouldn’t even know, now they just put on a show because they know we'll all watch and do the message they’ve sent through, see we don’t know the difference anymore between happiness and pain to us it's all just the same because you live and then you die, but before you die you spend 80 years crying inside trying to hide who you really are, what if we could all could just be in harmony, love and peace, whats so hard about that, whats so wrong with a lack of self defense, why must we build fences around our world, why have we turned so cold.

 Its hard to understand, but it makes perfect sense, the reason why our chakras are so tense, not an ounce of love for some, not even a hug, or a melody so fine that it wouldn’t even matter how many dimes you had in your piggy bank, and to think I didn’t thank you for inspiring me to turn my dream world into a reality, and to think that jesus didn’t think, drink up some more beer, soothe your soul, release your fear, temporarily at least, it gives your mind some peace, trust me I know, but it gets old, and so youre told, go to school, be a square, drop out? Don’t you dare. A blank stare on every face, trying to retrace at which pace you let the hurt take over, take cover, theyre coming for you, its true, look at the x in the sky, look at the x’s in your eyes, youre so close to dead, eat another loaf of bread, eat your pain away, maybe you can postpone facing it for another day in another way.

So here I lay and ponder and wander in my own maze and im amazed at the universe and how each verse is sung perfectly, each note hits the capacity of my heart and my art, and yours too, who knew we had it in us, the passion to live in love not lust, see theres a difference between the two, a distance not many knew, through each heart and out the next, take a step towards want you want, and youll get what you need, take a step towards yourself and I'll take a step towards me.

Undo my Seams

The universe is a mirror of yourself. Do you see the beauty in it or the ugly? Check. Are you really you or are you being someone else?

You can be put on a shelf and displayed for a day in a shade of grey, then teleport somewhere else, maybe a little elf will whisper in your ear, tell you everything you need to hear, show you where you need to look, a thief stole your soul and you're the crook-ed thought we're all in a melting pot, boiling in our lies until we rot, then we feed ourselves to the young and the old and the middle sold  in desperation for them to know the hurt we've endured, in hopes that we can allure them into thinking the same, reliving our pain since we had to feel it and its not fair, so here take this hate, there's plenty to share, don't stop and care about your being just focus your attention on what you're seeing. 

Yes, that's good, digest your ego, you are what you eat, you must come with me though and follow in my steps of despair don't you ever declare what's on your mind, don't you dare feel aligned with the idea of no time, you get no words, you won't be heard by anyone or anything, don't you dare listen to your heart ring, don't you dare go against the cause of suffering, my mind created hell on earth and you'll be joining me. 

Weirdos Digest

I'm having a weird human moment where I'm wondering who the hell I am and how the hell did I get here? I can't see you here, but I can feel you here. What are you? I'm just knit-picking the energy levels. Don't we all just want to lose our minds? Then we wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Don't we all just want to lose our minds? Then we'll find our hearts. We all just want to leave our imprint on this earth and thats what I'm doing. The size of our bodies is insignificant, but the size of our hearts is not, and until you speak from yours, it won't be content. You have all of the questions while feeling all the answers in your heart, and you keep looking out, but look within.

So, I'm standing on the earth here and you're standing on the earth there and I'm feeling what I'm feeling here and you're feeling what you're feeling there, but is it possible that were feeling the same thing at the same time? Maybe these emotions aren't so alien after all. Did you ever consider that there are millions of people who are feeling the same exact thing as you, they're just scared to admit to it, just as you are, but don't you see through everyones translucent masks? Don't you see through your own?

Why are we all so ashamed to be insecure, were all just trying to figure out what were looking for. If so many people around you are feeling the same, then why don't you relate to them instead of hate on them. Say something nice and see how much better you feel. You'll go to bed with less pain, knowing that you are being a good person instead of an angry person and it will translate over into the next day where you wake up feeling better than the day before about yourself and this positive pattern continues and you start to eradicate this hurt out of your heart, you actually understand the meaning of a fresh start filled with a clear blue sky, where all the negativity has died.


Much love to all you angels out there, which is everyone <3

Fall in Love With Yourself

Do you ever feel like you’re two people? Like your heart is one person and your brain is the other, and until you resolve the battle between the two, you wont find inner peace. How can you trust anyone if you don’t even trust yourself? You are constantly beating, hurting, and lying to yourself. That’s why you don’t even love who you are. It’s like a relationship: how can you love someone when they are constantly lying to you and breaking your heart? You cant. 

You must love yourself. You must nourish, treat and take care of yourself the way you’d expect the love of your life to take care of you, with compassion and encouragement. You just want someone to love you because it’s too hard for you to try and love you. You you you, open your eyes and feel the love , open your heart and see the love.

I don’t know who’s quote this is, I found it online, but it says “a soul mate is someone who will make you the most ‘you’ that you can possibly be.” Your heart is your spirits soul mate, so don’t separate, don’t be blinded by hate. Hate is fueled by love, it’s like a glove that you put over your hand that masks what’s inside, but there’s no need to hide because you know it’s there and it’s really not fair to you or anyone else to not allow yourself to feel what were made of. 

A Little Taste of me for the World to See

Money makes the world go round.

Lies.

Money makes the world spin upside down.

Seasick from all of this green, greed, mean-

ing has lost its meaning.

Our eyes are open, but were not seeing.

Were not being.

Were doing as were told until one day we get old and regret the life we’ve lived, 

or not, 

you kinda just let your soul rot.

Id like to say it’s a waste of space,

but everything is in its perfect place.

Imperfectly perfect isn’t so wrong,

it gives me the ability to be strong,

And sing a song or two

about the universe and its true blue.

I see every color, every shade of dark;

I see everything, but I don’t see your heart.

One day you’ll wake up and wonder why you didn’t give,

Give your soul to everything in exchange for a dream you can live.

Compassion is the life force that ignites our breath

So breathe in deep and let your spirit rest.

The inexplicably changing rates of time are mirrored for your love to see it blind.

You caught me in a fishnet and hung me to dry

While all the other fish just swam by.

and by and by and by and by.

And I didn’t resist

I just watched and laughed and waited

And you hated me for it

And I wasn’t mad

And I wasn’t sad

I slowly became untied

The net broke

So I rode the tide

I wasn’t jealous of the other fish

I wasn’t jealous of what I didn’t miss

I just went with the flow of emotion

The flow of the ocean

The movement of water and change,

So strange.

I am not a machine

My life will not be consumed by the evilness of greed,

And power and clocks on the hour,

and the past,

The future,

But what about now?

Stop wondering why or when or how

It will all come to you when you’re ready.

On your way to be free

On your way to be with me.

Warning Sign

Think about how many things are on your mind in this very moment and then imagine all of those thoughts condensed into that tiny little head of yours, even smaller, condensed into your brain. Weird to imagine right? Now think about your thoughts. Are they what you want them to be? If not, change them. It's amazing what self-affirmations can do for you. Call me weird, call me whatever you want, but when I catch myself doubting who I am or the way I look, I stop myself and simply say "No, I am beautiful," and the more I say it the more I actually believe it.

Ever since high school I've hated magazines. The way they portray celebrities, people's "role models," dressed provocatively as if that's acceptable, claiming that this is how you need to look in order to get someone, anyone's attention. Disgusting. The way they train you to be a certain way if you want to be happy or if you want to score the right guy. Wear this makeup and he''ll for sure go for you. Say these words and you'll become irresistible. It's funny because I used to believe all this. I thought the more and more I read, the more confident and beautiful and sexy I would become. But the exact opposite happened. My insecurities grew and my self confidence was shattered. I continued to compare myself to these "perfect" beings in the magazine and anyone walking down the street for that matter. I would ask myself "Why can't I look like that?" "Why are they so lucky that they were created perfectly?" Was I serious? 

What happened to the beauty that lies within each and every one of us? I know it sounds corny, but it's true! If our souls are beautiful, it will reflect on the outside through our physical body. When you become happy with who you are on the inside, you will see the sparkle in your own eyes. And then you will see it in everyone else's eyes. You'll stop judging everyone else, you'll stop judging yourself. Judgment hurts; it's an unnatural state of my mind. That's why you feel pain anytime you judge someone or something. It's merely a reflection of the things you are unhappy with in your own life. 

I used to wonder why my art couldn't look like this artists, why my mind couldn't create something as beautiful, but then I realized it can. It's irrelevant to compare yourself to anyone, to compare your work to anyone else's. There's no point, it's a waste of energy. You are you. You will always be you, no matter what, so find the beauty that resides in you because you have it. Beauty takes all shapes and forms, it's effortless, it has no restrictions, no limitations, it's infinite, it's incomparable. We all think and create differently so that all these talents and thoughts and desires and passions come together to create something beautiful; to create life, to create peace, to create a world where you love yourself and I love you too. 

Consider this a warning sign. Don't fall victim to the bullshit that the media feeds you. Don't be anyone but yourself. Own who you are, because there is no other you out there. 

Listening to the song Warning Sign by Coldplay inspired the title of this blog, so if you haven't heard it, check it out, it's BEAUTIFUL. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEDkZ02pmWo

This is just a painting I did the other week that I thought I'd share!

Have a beautiful day everyone.